A Buddha Just As I Am....

This might sound funny, but I am just beginning to realize the extent to which I have never felt like I belong. Anywhere.

And I know that people who know me well would say, "What the hell are you talking about?"

I take on leadership positions, always have, in part as a way to guarantee that I fit in. But even that is no guarantee. I am warmly received in many communities and have true friends across the world. And yet when I depart I wonder if I am hated.

I'm always wondering if I am okay, am I cool enough, am I dressed correctly, is the pitch of my voice appropriate, do I look like I know where I am going in the subway, if I choose this kind of sandwich over that kind will I be wrong?

Honestly, it is pervasive and long standing. It is an exhausting routine.

Is it narcissistic? Yes. Is it healthy narcissism? To a point.

From a Nichiren Buddhist standpoint, an individual is a Buddha just as he or she is. That is to say, becoming a Buddha or manifesting Buddhahood is no more complicated than being fully and completely who you are.

(As a side note, I cannot stand when people speak in the 2nd person to express their own experience. So allow me to re-express the above paragraph)

From a Nichiren Buddhist standpoint, I am a Buddha just as I am. That is to say, becoming a Buddha or manifesting Buddhahood is no more complicated than being fully and completely who I am.

Sometimes I get a bit to analytical. I wonder does being who I am include the part of me that is always wondering if I am okay? If so, then I am living fully! But maybe being who I am means polishing my life so sincerely that I can be fully confident with myself even when I am not okay, not dressed correctly, not using my natural voice, not sure where I am going, not ordering the right sandwich.

So if I am to truly live my Buddhist practice, starting here and now, I want to value who I am at all times.

"The Lotus Sutra explains that Buddhahood is already present in all life. It teaches absolute equality and emphasizes that even within the life of a person apparently dominated by evil, there exists the unpolished jewel of the Buddha nature. No one else gives it to us or judges whether we 'deserve' it."

Stutter, pause...

I am afraid. What if I cannot do it? Nearly 13 years of Buddhist practice has taught me that nothing is impossible, eventually. Realizing the impossible, facing my deepest fears, scaling the most daunting peeks, takes tenacious determination and patience. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the determination to overcome fear.

I am a Buddha. I am fully and one hundred percent Brad. Only I can fulfill the unique mission that only I can fulfill. To create value as I am.

What am I trying to say here?

That same English teacher who described me as a life long learner also used to say, "There is nothing new under the sun." This has bothered me just as much as her compliment encouraged me. Even in writing this blog I wonder what new can I possibly be doing. But once in a while I get a glimpse of the idea that I am new. And so is everyone else. By revealing my Buddhahood today and tomorrow, I am on the cutting edge of new!

So this leads me to the possibility that I do not need to fit in. I just need to continue graciously being myself.

(God this was self indulgent)

Anger...

I've always had a difficult time with anger. Scratch that. I've had a difficult time expressing anger in a way that creates value.

As a young boy, my uncle recently took pleasure in reminding me, I was known to have a temper tantrum...or two...or four.

My recollection of these episodes paints a picture of young boy who did not know how to express anger so it came out in yelling and screaming and twirling (even in my temper I couldn't resist a gay flare!). In response I was sent to my room for a period of about 20 minutes and then joined in my room by a male parent who used his belt to "get your attention" and then tell me he did it because he loved me. I am fairly certain this is how I learned to retroflect* my anger (a-la-CVWWI).

As an adult I've used food to swallow my anger. I must have had a lot of anger because over the years I have swallowed a boat load of food. I am by no means alone in this creative adjustment, but alone I have often felt.

*RETROFLECTION (doing to myself what I want to do to you, but fear the consequences. For instance, I want to strangle you so I choke myself. I want to give you a box of chocolates but I'm afraid you'll spurn me so I eat them myself.

Lately and presently, I am angry. However, I am determined to create value with my anger.

If you've been a friend on Facebook, you've seen my unrelenting posts about all of the recent suicides of young LGBT people or those perceived to be LGBT, the hateful rhetoric from church and government leaders, and DADT and DOMA. I have refused to not post on these issues but I also understood it is inevitable that my posts would slow and then trickle and then stop. They have.

This near-obsessive posting has been the only way I have been able to express my anger about how these issues are being debated.

I am screaming.

Even this primarily positive spot on MSNBC (positive in that it generally supports us homosexuals) makes me crazy. Gay men (woman are generally left behind of the homosexual debates which is infuriating in and of itself) and queers in general have been and continue to be folly for news agencies, many religions, and politicians and mostly with self-aggrandizing motives.

Here and now, as I write this, I am experiencing that stutter, pause, stop. There are so many aspects to the lunacy, hypocrisy, evil, hatred, and idiocy of this debate. A public debate about the dignity, value, respect and right to live an honest life! Seriously? Yes.

So how do I create value with this anger?

My impulse is to say, "I don't know." Start a blog. But really, what does that accomplish? A well rehearsed choir.

Speak up! Well, these days, when everyone has a bull horn no one is heard.

Chant daimoku*! One approach that I have plenty of experience with both in the way of seeing positive results and avoiding until the crisis moment. That's not enough! I'm not enough to make meaningful change happen. Oh. That's an important realization.

I do not believe I will resolve this question/determination in this post. But I will continue to seek in my anger. Maybe that is how I will create value, in the seeking.

*Daimoku [題目] ( Jpn) (1) The title of a sutra, in particular the title of the Lotus Sutra of the Wonderful Law (Chin Miao-fa-lien-hua-ching; JpnMyoho-renge-kyo ). The title of a sutra represents the essence of the sutra. Miao-lo (711-782) says in The Annotations on "The Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra," "When for the sake of brevity one mentions only the daimoku, or title, the entire sutra is by implication included therein." (2) The invocation of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo in Nichiren's teachings. One of his Three Great Secret Laws.

Starting Here, Starting Now...

There are many motivating factors that have contributed to my starting this blog. For a long while I've considered starting a blog and did not do it. In the spirit of Creating Value with What Is (CVWWI) I knew that at some point I would take to beginning.

I generally do better in conversation. My ideas get response, my words have time to form and there is a bit more in the way of bio-feedback. Writing to my computer causes me to pause and then stall and then give up. I am determined to continue even in the pause and stalls.

I need to improve my skills of writing. So I welcome any and all critique of content or form. I want to develop my writing skills because I have so many ideas and I want to write a book someday. I am far more elegant speaker than writer, but I do not want to leave it at that.

My writing may be all over the place, without much rhyme or reason at first. Again, this is the idea for me behind CVWWI. For a long while I've been convincing myself that I will write when I feel that i am a better writer. Well, I can only become a better writer by writing as a bad or even mediocre writer.

By reading my work and offering critique, flames, response in general, my writing skills will improve via crowd sourcing.

The idea of CVWWI comes from my spiritual practice of SGI Buddhism and professional practice of Gestalt Therapy. I'll write more about these in detail in the near future. I have so many ideas about how these two passions can be mutually supportive. Again, when I am ready...

Does this idea of CVWWI mean that I don't take action to change my present circumstances? Of course not, but it is an easy loophole to get stuck in. CVWWI is simply a starting point, but one that often gets missed.

In posts to come I will talk about what Creating Value means and then what What Is means. I'll probably write about other topics too.

I like metaphors. I like dumping out the current moment contents of my mind and then arranging them into a coherent collage. Now I am not sure if that constitutes a metaphor. More to learn.

My high school English teacher, Ms. Vernacchio, described me as Edison's Life Long Learner. I've always held that as one of the highest praise I have ever received. I have so much to learn.

I am determined to create value with what is. What is right now might not be all that interesting to you and yet that lack of interest is what is.

So I've finally started this blog. Nice work.

Okay, so I almost published this post and then got scared. I want you to know that this blog will be a mix of commentary on current events that are of interest to me, a place for me to share the musings of my mind, and a place for me to discover what this place becomes. What I want most of all is honest response, which obviously can include no response at all.