And I know that people who know me well would say, "What the hell are you talking about?"
I take on leadership positions, always have, in part as a way to guarantee that I fit in. But even that is no guarantee. I am warmly received in many communities and have true friends across the world. And yet when I depart I wonder if I am hated.
I'm always wondering if I am okay, am I cool enough, am I dressed correctly, is the pitch of my voice appropriate, do I look like I know where I am going in the subway, if I choose this kind of sandwich over that kind will I be wrong?
Honestly, it is pervasive and long standing. It is an exhausting routine.
Is it narcissistic? Yes. Is it healthy narcissism? To a point.
From a Nichiren Buddhist standpoint, an individual is a Buddha just as he or she is. That is to say, becoming a Buddha or manifesting Buddhahood is no more complicated than being fully and completely who you are.
(As a side note, I cannot stand when people speak in the 2nd person to express their own experience. So allow me to re-express the above paragraph)
From a Nichiren Buddhist standpoint, I am a Buddha just as I am. That is to say, becoming a Buddha or manifesting Buddhahood is no more complicated than being fully and completely who I am.
Sometimes I get a bit to analytical. I wonder does being who I am include the part of me that is always wondering if I am okay? If so, then I am living fully! But maybe being who I am means polishing my life so sincerely that I can be fully confident with myself even when I am not okay, not dressed correctly, not using my natural voice, not sure where I am going, not ordering the right sandwich.
So if I am to truly live my Buddhist practice, starting here and now, I want to value who I am at all times.
Stutter, pause...
I am afraid. What if I cannot do it? Nearly 13 years of Buddhist practice has taught me that nothing is impossible, eventually. Realizing the impossible, facing my deepest fears, scaling the most daunting peeks, takes tenacious determination and patience. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the determination to overcome fear.
I am a Buddha. I am fully and one hundred percent Brad. Only I can fulfill the unique mission that only I can fulfill. To create value as I am.
What am I trying to say here?
That same English teacher who described me as a life long learner also used to say, "There is nothing new under the sun." This has bothered me just as much as her compliment encouraged me. Even in writing this blog I wonder what new can I possibly be doing. But once in a while I get a glimpse of the idea that I am new. And so is everyone else. By revealing my Buddhahood today and tomorrow, I am on the cutting edge of new!
So this leads me to the possibility that I do not need to fit in. I just need to continue graciously being myself.
(God this was self indulgent)
Thank You Brad -
ReplyDeleteYes, I have been going through a redefinition of myself and my values and have come to a point where I do not care about societal acceptance anymore. Life is too short to give a grain of salt to whatever people think of me, for either good or bad. What I have been discovering is that I have been put here to perfect the soul, and although perfection is unattainable, it is the journey to perfection that matters to me and not the goal itself.
There is nothing new under the Sun (King Solomon). This is indeed true because we are eternal - the wave emerges from the ocean and eventually ceases when it crashes against the shore, but what makes the wave (the water) remains eternal. Thus we never die, because we were never born. I believe this is what the term "maya" alludes to in eastern philosophy. Yet, on another level we are constantly new, because change is ever present and ever constant.
This is the paradox of the universe change and eternity are somehow the same. It is only in the field of space and time that they appear to be separate constructs.
Thanks for posting this. It has given me much to think about.